CARNIVAL

About a week ago we had the AWESOME opportunity to shoot with Ashley Marie Photography at the carnival.  Grace had a blast and I was dumbfounded when the pics were posted.  My baby girl turned 16 overnight!  Ashley rocked as usual and we can't wait to shoot with her again :)

AHHHHH where does the time go?

A DAUGHTER IS...

A joy bringer,

 A heart warmer,

A memory maker,

A Daughter is...

LOVE

COUSINS

Snow + Cousins = Memories

We had over negative temps and over 6 inches of snowfall  in the last few days leaving many without heat and electricity but with plenty of opportunities for 30 to Play snow days!  I am SO thankful that my brother and I live in the same town.  It is such a blessing to watch our children grow up together.  Cousins are precious, especially when they are cute like ours!

These make me laugh every time!

Hee hee!

 

This was taken right before Faith declared she was THROUGH!

 Oh to be 5!

Sweet C!

Hope you are all staying warm while you marvel in the wonder of His creation!

FAMILY

We met the hubs for dinner last night so I thought it would be fun to snap a few pics. 

FunNY perhaps....

No Daddy.

Tongue out.

 Mouth open.

US

THANKFUL

I am currently reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp as part of the Bloom online book club.  The book was far different than anticipated and after struggling through the first two chapters I am now hooked.  The primary focus of the book is the discovery of a "thanks" filled life.  It has really made me evaluate my daily attitude and I was saddened to realize that instead of focusing on the gifts that God has given me I was honing in on the imperfections of my life.  But we should not expect a perfect life for we live in a fallen world, a world filled with ingratitude and I want to be different...

When I am tired and frustrated that I have to get out of bed....

I will be thankful that I can.

When I the hubs is working and I am running the house by myself...

I will be thankful that he has a job that provides for our family.

When the girls are fighting and I want to cry...

I will be thankful that God entrusted them to me.

When it has been a such a "day"at school that we ran out of worms...

I will be thankful that I have the opportunity to spend my days investing in the lives of children.

When I am upset over spilled milk...

I will be thankful that we have milk to spill.
.

When my heart is burdened for my friends as they struggle with difficult news...

I will be thankful that my God is BIG, bigger than any sickness or diagnosis.
.

When I am just me....

I WILL BE THANKFUL

BOXED IN

"God is much less interested in right circumstances
than in right responses to whatever comes your way" 
Sarah Young

I have been struggling since last Friday with the topic of the post...partly because to me it is an admission of failure but mostly due to the fact that to write it down is to truly acknowledge the occurence.  However, my devotion this morning tackled the topic of perfection and it's illusions and I came to realize that is is not about the facade it's about the truth.

Last Friday the hubs met me for lunch with Faith in tow and to say that she was in a "mood" would be the understatement of the year.  She threw a full on screaming mimi right before I arrived, laying on the floor, flaying, crying as loud as possible, the whole nine yards.  It was so bad in fact that the restaurant workers gave her a toy to try and make the madness stop. 

By the time I walked in they were both seated in a booth with our food.  Faith's face was red with tear streaked cheeks and the hubs was not the happiest person I have ever seen, rightfully so.  After bringing me up to date on what had taken place we began discussing the need to break this pattern.  Grace is very easy going and willing to please, Faith is very determined and could care less about what you think as long as she gets her way and when she doesn't WATCH OUT.  We had always laughed about her temper knowing that problems were going to arise but after being slapped full on in the face with them it was time for action.

As I looked over at her, still whimpering in the corner (all because her daddy wouldn't let her hang on the rails) I began thinking that a large part of this was our fault.  She wasn't feeling well so we probably shouldn't have tried it.  She was cutting teeth so we probably shouldn't have tried it.  It was nap time so we probably shouldn't have tried it.  I voiced the thoughts that were racing through my head my honey looked at me and said "You can't just make excuses for her." 

He was right of course, this is also the child that will flail over the side of the grocery store cart when I won't give her the alcohol wipe that I just used to wipe the nastiness off with.  The child that will smack her sister in the head when she takes a toy that she wanted to play with and run around a restaurant instead of sitting in her chair.  It would be different if this was a one time occurrence but it was not, it was indeed one of many.

Still I couldn't shake the feeling that in truth these were typical two year old behaviors.  Now, I am not saying in any shape or form that they are okay but they are typical and the real problem was not the behavior it was the way it made us feel.  Anyone who is a parent can testify to the fact that is downright embarrassing to be with your child when this occurs.  Thoughts of running away or saying things like "I can't wait to take you back to your mom" float through your head.  Why?  We have all been there.  Is it because we were pious enough to truly believe that our child "Would NEVER act like that."   HA!

Stay with me here I know this getting long...

    I looked over at my husband and said the "The issue is that she is trying to break out of the box."  The box is literal of course but it's truth.  We carry around this pretty little box and lift the lid to show off what is inside.  Then when we put the lid back on and move about our daily lives until it becomes convenient to take the box out again.  The problems occur when our children no longer fit the box. 

Grace always did until recently.  Never before did we have to deal with issues of outburst in a public place, rarely did we deal with any backtalk or rebellion.  However, she is now testing those boundaries, asserting that she is fact her own person, with her own ideas, with her own tastes.  Good on her, bad on me for putting her in there to begin with.  Faith is already testing those boundaries and what will come I don't know but I do know that I am tired of the box. 

  As all of this was swirling around in my head a song from children's church came to mind.  You know the one..."If I had a little red box to put my Savior in."  And I started thinking about how many times we do this with God as well.  We try to put Him in a box and carry Him around to show off when things are going great.  Then put Him back in the box when we aren't proud of what's taking place in our lives only to search frantically for Him when things have gone so wrong that there is no way we can fix them on our own.

Although simple in concept the idea of destroying the boxes it is much more complex in reality.  Heaven knows I have looked at a the kid in Wal-Mart screaming because they can't get a toy and rolled my eyes.  And I too have tried to box God into the perfect little space in my life.  There when if I need Him, closed away when I think I can handle it on my own. 

Destroying the boxes means living life in spite of the embarrassment and perhaps lending a helping hand or encouraging to word to the mom of "that" kid (even if that day it happens to be you) and allowing God to be BIG, permeating every inch of your life not just the pigeon hole you typically delegate.  I know it isn't going to be easy but the rewards will be great so I am going to try it and am hoping you will try it with me.

SICK

Our house is sick...Faith still doesn't feel well and now Grace is hacking.  The hubs and I are just trying to keep up with the extra laundry and strange requests.  For instance Faith wanted Cheetos for dinner and Grace chose a PopTart for breakfast instead of a muffin, oatmeal, grapefruit, or a thousand other healthier options.  I am starting to realize that sometimes it just not worth the fight...

So this is life...30 to play won't always work and I am struggling with feeling like a failure.  However, there is no way that this SHOULD look and I need to remind myself of that.  This didn't start with strict perameters stating that we had be outside having active play or inside playing with dolls.  This was a God given idea and I need to let go of the legalism and instead grab on to the concept.  Today 30 to play is me and two sick girlies curled up on the couch watching "Ninnie" (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse) and Word World.   

And you know what?  That's ok.

Complicated

I would love to say that we had a FABULOUS night, that we played, that we laughed, that we got to bed way too late, simply because we were enjoying our time together.  Unfortunately, fairy tales don't exist and our lives are not anywhere near their perfection so tonight was less than amazing.  The majority of it was my fault because, let's get real here, after you cut your hair only to discover that you look exactly like you did when you were 12, it's just not the best start to an evening.  So the hubs took the lead, told me that "It's not terrible" and ran into town to grab supper.  (12 yr olds can't cook remember?)

We bathed our bunnies...

and then settled in for some "Fancy Nancy."

This is were things became complicated...you see not only am I Grace's mom but I am also Grace's teacher meaning that she hears at home in the morning, at school during the day, at home in the afternoon, and during the evening.  We are with one another pretty much ALL day and although this is a TRUE blessing most of the time.  Times like tonight make it hard.  Grace has been taught to read phonetically so her arsenal of sight words is small but rapidly expanding as she becomes more fluent.  She however, does not realize this and tries to breeze through books inserting, skipping, ad libbing, whatever it takes to not have to actually READ the word.  I think if I didn't see her at school and know the actual skill set that she has then this wouldn't bother me but it drives me NUTS!  Everything takes 12 (yes, I know stuck on that number again) times longer than it should because we have to read each word over and over again. 

 See, even Faith was over it.

As we both became more and more frustrated I realized that this was not what 30 to play was about so we called it a night.  I guess it dawned on me that 30 minutes simply for the sake of 30 minutes is pointless.  To enjoy the time we have together is much more important and somehow I am going to have to turn off the teacher and just be mom for her sake and for mine. 



Apparently, "Ninnie" is one of the girls too. 



It's About Time...

Today was one of "those" days were my list of to do's was much longer than my list of got dones.  I don't know about anyone else but that frustrates me to no end.  I struggled with feeling as though the day was wasted simply due to the fact that not everything was crossed off.  As I sat folding yet another load of laundry (I am still staring at one, my daily limit is 5) it dawned on me that many of the items on my list were wants not needs.  I wanted to make a case for my Kindle, I wanted to get Faith's cow and Grace's sock monkey made, I wanted to take a nap...none of those wants were in and of themselves bad.  However, when they stressed me to the point of snapping, perhaps it was time to distinguish the difference between what needed to be done and what I wanted to get done.  

After wrestling with the perfectionist that perches on my shoulder and tries to convince me that sleep is a luxury not a necessity, I came to the conclusion that there are very little needs in my life.  

• I need to spend time in God's word.
• I need to spend quality time with my husband.
• I need to spend time with my girls every, single day.

Now I realize that that is probably a bit simplistic.  I mean we need clean clothes and we need food on the table but when I really took a look at the ways I was spending my time, I wasn't spending it, I was wasting it, on "things" that have no eternal significance.  My girls won't remember that our house was always clean or  that dinner was on the table at 5:30pm (ha) but they will remember whether or not their mom thought that they were important enough to put all of those things aside to just play. 

So tonight my list is left undone but my heart is full because instead of tackling another task we played.... 



and as I looked at the joy that was so evident on the girl's faces as they moved their little men around the board I felt like the Lord was whispering "See Bethany, it's about time..."

Grace

This morning our Sunday School class was discussing prayer and the power it has in our lives.  We were kind of flying by the seat of our pants because our regular leader was out of town and our substitute was having a rough morning so we were all just sharing stories of how we have seen God's hand at work.  My friend Amanda and I both shared of our daughter's births and the complications that followed.  After the class we were talking and she brought up the fact that she can't tell her daughter's story without tearing up and how she was a bit amazed that even five years removed the same applied to me.  No one would ever guess that this little girl...

began life like this...

Grace was born at 26wks 2days and weighed only 2.7lbs.  She was delivered at a hospital that was not equipped to handle her needs so she was transported to a Level 3 NICU by ambulance.  Unfortunately, during transit she experienced both a grade III and a grade IV intraventricular hemorrhage (brain bleed). Grade IV is the worst and after the head ultrasound was complete the outlook we were given was bleak.  I remember telling my mom that I wished I drank because I could sure use a margarita.  It sounds funny now but I just wanted to check out, leave that moment, wake up from the bad dream. 

We were told that she might never walk, that she might never talk, that she most likely would have cerebral palsy, that she might be blind, that she might be deaf...the list goes on and on.  Most women dream of the day that they have their own child to hold and love on.  The dream never goes like that.  So I grieved the loss of the dream but I never doubted the goodness of God.  I never asked why, because in all fairness why not?  At least the hubs and I had a relationship with the Lord and where surrounded by prayer.  I can't even fathom going through that without His love.  

 

Grace's passage Psalm 71:5-8 became a comfort to us all and still rings true today.  "For thou art my hope O Lord God, thou art my trust from my youth.  By thee have I been held up from the womb, thou art He that took me from my mother's bowels, my praise shall be continually of thee.  I am a wonder unto many but thou art my strong refuge.  Let my mouth be filled with thy praise and thy honor all the day." 

Grace came home after 66 days in the NICU, exactly one month before her original due date.  We were told to expect therapy to be needed until she was at least 3yrs old perhaps much longer.  She was discharged from physical therapy at 18months and speech therapy by the time she was 2.  She has eagle eyes and hears EVERYTHING.  She has not had any problems since being discharged and that can only be attributed to one thing, God's GRACE.

I was talking with my husband when we got home from church, explaining the conversation that took place, and I told him "You know what, I hope that I can't ever tell Grace's story without tearing up.  I don't ever want to become desensitized to what could have been.  And because of God's grace what is."

Have You Ever?

via

The girls and I were in the car on the 1st of January heading home after meeting our "bests" two and half hours away.  The day had been one full of emotions and I was spent, so after getting them settled I turned on the radio.  Not so much for the music but just for the noise.  I didn't want to have to think and I most certainly did not want to have to sort through the flood of feelings I was experiencing. 

My plan worked for about a minute...and then over the airwaves a haunting melody began to play.  I turned up the radio to hear "Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air?" and for some reason the statement struck me.  The remaining lyrics faded into the background as I began to think about how much fun the girls would have watching it twinkle and shine as it fell to the ground.  I quickly dismissed the thought however, I mean when would I have the time?  Things are crazy enough at our house between the husband, the 5yr old, the 2yr old, the dog, the job, the dishes... you get the point.  Glitter would be just one more thing to add to an already overflowing planner and it's a pain to clean up!

As I reached down to change the station I felt convicted.  Really?  I didn't have time to throw a fistful of glitter in the air?  I looked in my rear view mirror and just stared at the girls and their beautiful faces.  I was missing it!  The big things in life were crowding out the SMALL things.  And it's the SMALL things that life is all about. 

I began to pray and ask for guidance.  You see, I am a type AAAAA personality and I like to have everything under control, but at that moment I felt completely helpless.  "Show me a way dear Lord," I asked "show me what it will take."  And then I remembered a conversation my husband and I were having.  "Think about what just 15 minutes a day would do for our relationship," he told me one night.  He was right of course and we are still working on that but what about the girls?  "They need to play," I felt like the Lord was telling me.  "And YOU need to play with them."  

via

Thus begins our journey of adding 30 minutes of unadulterated play to our everyday lives.  So grab your glitter and come along the for the ride.  The trip is sure to be messy and full of failure but hopefully, when we look back, we will see that the SMALL things are the biggest blessings of all!